Who is Stand Up & Succeed for?
Anyone who doesn’t want to fail.

Is it only for comics/comedians?
Not at all. You don’t even have to have a sense of humour, although it might make the jokes a bit easier to understand.

Will it bring me riches?
Not unless you become my agent and get me on both Oprah & The Tonight Show.

Will it change my life?
Only if you let it.

Will it make me good-looking?
You will certainly look SMARTER carrying it around, but ‘good-looking’ is asking for too much. Maybe the sequel will be able to help you with that. Or at least the paper bag it’ll come in.

Will Stand Up & Succeed help me get a better job, a better spouse or a better life?
No, but it can help you get a better attitude, and that could lead to a lot of other improvements.

Why is it so thin?
Why are you so obsessed with weight? Can’t you just love it for what it is and not pass judgement about its size? It is what it is!

Why is the cover orange & yellow and not purple?
Because purple is blue and red mixed together.

Why did you use an ampersand instead of the word “and”?
I don’t know, maybe to make it fit on the cover. Where did you learn to spell ampersand, Akeelah?

If I don’t like the book can I get a refund?
No. If you don’t like the book, give it to someone you hate --- that will be worth much more than a refund.

The story is too thin and there are too many characters. Do you have any stories that are less confusing?
I think I have a limerick that might be about your speed. It’s about a man from Nantucket. Or I have a story about a family of performing Aristocrats you might like. I think they even made the story into a movie.

My husband read your book, packed his bags and moved out!! Where can I send the “Thank You” card?
Deliver it in person --- we’ll do coffee and talk about relationships.

Why did you mention God and Moses, but not our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?
Because he asked me not to --- he was taking some much-needed time off. He said something about having to carry around the weight of our sins. Wait until after the long weekend and ask him yourself.

I sold my soul to Rock & Roll --- can your book help me get it back?
No. Only Ozzie Osborn, John Tesh & David Hasselhoff working together in perfect harmony with a MOOG synthesizer can get it back. Best of luck. Rock on.

If two trains leave the same station at the same time and one travels east and the other travels west, which one will get to Iceland first?
The one that has water wings and looks a lot like a BOAT!

What is the difference between a duck?
Two legs that are relatively the same. No? Why not?

Will Stand Up & Succeed teach me the answer to the Universal Question?
No, you’re thinking of the OTHER Tim Reynolds --- the one who called himself Douglas Adams and wrote The Hitchhiker’s Guide to The Galaxy. Read it --- I think the answer is in there somewhere. Or pick a whole number between 41 and 43.

Will you submit your DNA for a paternity test?
Again? Can’t you people just leave me alone?!

Is your book a back-pocket mentor for me even if I don’t wear pants?
I’ll ship yours in a plastic bag --- where you put it after it arrives is between you and your doctor.

Are there any seats available on that train to Iceland?
There’s one in the dining car, between Charlie the Tuna and Spongebob Squarepants.

I’m a paraplegic. Are you trying to be a wise ass with the title of your book? Are you saying that if I can’t stand up, I won’t succeed?
No, I’m saying that YOUR particular handicap isn’t being unable to walk, YOUR handicap is being an idiot who prefers to be a victim rather than a successful human being. Not walking is merely a barrier to get over or around, not a wall to stop you.

How does your dog feel about being called a "bitch"? Have you considered HER feelings?
Well, according to the American Kennel Club, she IS a bitch, and if I feed her and bathe her and take her for walks she’ll let me call her pretty much anything I want.

Why would you dig up your father’s grave, you sicko?
Why would you not finish reading the story, you idiot?

What did you do with the remains? Can I come by and see them sometime?
Yah, sure. They’re out back, with the other dead trees!

Have you ever been kicked out of a brothel?
“Kicked out” is such a harsh term. I prefer to say that I was “asked to leave due to creative differences”, and let’s just leave it at that.